Okay, okay for all of you that wanted to know why I haven't been blogging. I was busy getting a divorce, practicing witchcraft and considering becoming celibate. I was also drowning in hand knitted tits but that is a whole other story. I also almost got arrested for knitting while trying to steal a John McCain sign in L.A. but that was Minty, the Wild Fiber Girl's fault (note the Americanization of fibre.) So have stopped knitting until recently, online dating definitely convinced me that I need to stay home and knit on Friday Nights.
Diary of the Dating Cesspool
Day 1:
List my profile on website; no picture; list religion is Buddhist; promptly receive 10 emails from nice men in the 905 all of whom are fundamentalist Christians wishing to convert me; “Only through a good man you will find Christ”; writes one, “Accept Jesus into your heart; I invite you to Church on Sunday writes another.” Consider changing my profile to read: “feminist.” Realize there is not a drop down option for this.
Day 2:
Get 13 emails requesting picture; upload picture from Rebel Knitter's new book Knittishisms, Promptly get another 8 emails from the “rice boys”—white guys who have Suzy Wong complex and wear Hai Karate. Change profile so that only Asian men can view me. No emails
Day 3:
No emails.
Day 4:
No emails.
Day 5:
Finally get one email! 45 year old man; never married; is concerned about unruly children. Suggests meeting me, suggests meeting children, to determine their level of naughtiness, no he was not being cheeky. Tells me how much money he makes (hey it’s a Chinese thing), how much he has saved, how much is house costs and uploads picture of his car. (A
Day 6:
Get 3 new emails, all guys from the 905 who work downtown. Agree to meet the one of colour who actually graduated from university for after work coffee (even though it is against my better judgment—none of my single Black female friends would forgive me if I hooked up with “one of theirs’). Mr. BBA does all the talking; tells me about his job; how many people he bosses around; all his favourite hobbies Cricket (well maybe he isn’t all that bad); fixing his cars and cross border shopping. Shows me album of all his cars and tells me about all the outlet malls in Niagara Falls NY; in collision insurance report language, even with the Cricket bat, he’s a definite write off.
Days 7-10
Ignore all dating site emails—like 2 of them; play on Facebook and MySpace instead.
Day 21 (or so it seems lost count here)
Receive email from reasonably nice guy who seems to be able to spell. Education listed as graduate school. Email re: Grad Degree; well he graduated from high school (“Isn’t that what ‘Graduate School’ means?”) not that I am classist or anything (yes, I am). Ask him what he thinks about the state of the IMF. He asks if it’s a Hip Hop group.
Silently roll my eyes.
Day 23
Receive email from one of my drinking and poker buddies (a guy) who tells me that my profile is lame, check his out, it is equally lame; this online thing is getting scary.
Day 26:
Yeah email from first real human being, who is a Trekkie; asks me to Comic-Con convention. Upload a picture of me in my trek gear receive email asking me why I have blue trek suit given that I am not on the Star Trek Fan Data Base as a science officer; I'm listed as a security officer. Clearly this guy needs to see Free Enterprise.
(“Don’t you people have lives?”)
Day 30
Get email from broadcast journalist, wants to do lunch next day. Agree to meet at Jamie Kennedy for lunch. He’s half an hour late covering a story; I eat, he shows up. Apologizes. I once dated a journalist so this has a hint of very bad deja vu. His blackberry goes off at least 15 times during remainder of 30 minute lunch. I pay the bill for both of us and run for it. Totally get why this guy does not have a partner, he’s already committed to his crackberry. Don’t bother to return his calls or emails offering to pay for his half of the lunch. (I mean why bother, I’d just wind up in the crackberry void!)
Day 42 or somewhere thereabouts
Get email from first relatively “normal” person; he knows what Mensa is; he went to university AND graduate school; asks to go on walk. Read profile. Relatively normal person lives in
Rant, “Life’s not fair, life’s not fair " 27 times.
Email normal person back,
"Sorry but uable to afford the plane fare necessary to go on aforementioned walk."
Day 43
Resolve to take my profile off dating site and become a nun. Really. Unfortunately cannot figure out how to do it. Give up and focus on the flipping frozen turkeys at work.(With the goddess as my witness I did not know that frozen turkeys can be used as weapons--c.f.-WKRP)
Day 44
Get email from relatively normal person who mentions that he is in
Day 47
Meet relatively normal person for drinks who mentions that when not in Toronto he lives on the West Coast and is thinking of buying a herd of angora and cashmere goats....Smile...Think I am in a new relationship for all the wrong reasons...but fibre is fibre.
Day 50
Realize that new relationship has serious sweater curse issues two ex-wives both of whom knit...although he ofusicated on this fact, I suspect the knit him sweaters and then left shortly after discovering he was indeed not knit worthy!
4 comments:
Hey Guerilla:
The income/car/kids thing is not ethnically specific in my experience. I've had guys of various backgrounds use those factoids as part of their pickup routine, sometimes as early as 5 minutes after 'hello.' (Long before I would care to know, anyhow.)
Yes, fibre is fibre -- but just enjoy 'it' for what 'it' is... remember, some of the best creations come when we just let go and see what comes out at the end of the needles. You're a Guerilla Knitter & thats OK for relationships too! --Rebel
content wonderful content.
Long distance fibre relationship works. Okay maybe it has been too long for me.
Jean-Anne
But what about the guys who play Klingon Boggle? Any arty types who take the subway? I don't know.
I am now knitting a floor from the Louvre. Try that for an opening line...
Post a Comment